The Blonde Who Could Sit Anywhere
by Ritt-chan
Summary: When Shizuo destroys his favorite chair in a recent rampage, he strolls into a store called Cheap Seats in search of a new place to sit. But he finds out a little more about himself than he thought he would. Especially in a furniture store. Warning: Shizuo is very OOC! And the ending is not for the faint of heart. It's rather morbid...
1. Chapter 1

_**WARNING! SHIZUO HEIWAJIMA IS EXTREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER (OOC) HERE! This was a request from one of my closest friends, Tsuki-chan! I hope you like it, Tsu-chaaan! ^^**_

* * *

Shizuo, in need of new furniture due to his last rampage, walked into a furniture store called "Cheap Seats".

He sighed, chairs as far as the eye could see and none of them suited the decor in his home.

"Hi there." A brunette, wearing a name tag that had the name Ryuugamine Mikado, greeted him. "Welcome to Cheap Seats! Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"No. Not really." Shizuo answered.

"Oh. Well, please let me or one of our other employees know if you need assistance!" The brunette called to Shizuo's back.

_Hmm... since nothing in here really matches anything, I guess I might as well shoot for comfort. If I'm gonna have a green chair in a room full of otherwise black furniture, it better be the most comfortable piece of shit I ever sit in._

He sat in a pale blue lawn-chair. _Hm... That's pretty comfortable... for a lawn-chair._ He thought, getting up to sample some other seats.  
He chose a red bar stool next. "Woah... this chair is even more comfortable." He mumbled.  
Lastly he sat in a rocking chair. "Wow. This is the most comfortable- Oh My God! How is this even possible?!" Shizuo shouted out of excitement. Then an idea struck him like a punch in the face from Izaya.

"It... It's not the chairs that are comfortable..." He turned his body to try his best to get a look at his rear end. "It's my ass. ... I have the most comfortable ass in the world! I can sit anywhere I want!" His deep voice boomed. "I can sit... anywhere I want."

...

Suddenly, a worker in the store had to dodge a swivel chair, along with several other chairs that were thrown in his and every other direction in the store. It didn't take long to figure out who it was that was throwing the merchandise. But by then, the crazed blonde was running out of the store. Dashing off to share his new discovery with the rest of the people of Ikebukuro.

* * *

Everyone found it odd to see _the _Heiwajima Shizuo sitting in all these strange places with the biggest grin on his face. Some people couldn't tell if he was just really enjoying himself or if he was some kind of pervert! But the blonde just shrugged off all their stares, and punched anyone who looked at him in a way that pissed him off too much.

"Shizuo, get off of my stove top!" Shinra whined.

"Why? You're just jealous of my new comfy ass!"

"Shizuo, are... you on drugs? You're acting very out of character."

"Yeah, I'm fine." The bleach-blonde said, hopping off his friend's stove. "I'm gonna go sit on some other stuff now. Later Shinra!"

* * *

After weeks of sitting on anything and everything, Shizuo took a trip back to Shinra's place, seeing as the brunette was the only "doctor" he really trusted.

"Uh... Shizuo... You have ass cancer." Shinra finally said, after much hesitation.

"A-Ass cancer?!" Shizuo choked out.

"Yes, Shizuo. It's, when you have cancer, in your-"

"I know what ass cancer is!" The blonde interrupted.

"Think about this, Shizuo! Have you sat on anything radio-active lately?"

Now that the blonde thought about it, he did sit on several things that _may or may not_ have been radio-active. His eyes widened and then closed shut.

"Look, Shinra... I..." He sighed. "H... How long do I have to live?"

* * *

Heiwajima Shizuo died shortly after his diagnosis. His tombstone read, "Heiwajima Shizuo" at the top. And just beneath his infamous name was, "He had a really comfortable ass."

About a day later Celty dropped a rather large package off at the store Shizuo made his discovery in. It was for an employee named Mikado.

"Hm... What's this?" He asked, opening the crate to fine a certain blonde's ass stapled to a chair.

"OH! WHAT THE FUCK? THAT'S DISGUSTING!" He shrieked! "Hmmm... But I bet Kida-kun would like it."

* * *

**_So, what do you think? Too short? Too long? Too Dumb?_**

**_Shizuo: I think it's all of those things._**

**_Rit-chan: Shut up, you're just upset because you died._**

**_Shizuo: Well, yeah! I couldn't have died in a more heroic way? __-_-_**

**_Rit-chan: Nope! That's the way the story goes!_**

**_Shizuo: *sigh* Whatever. Please review this... What the hell are you lauging about?_**

**_Rit-chan: *giggles* If you don't review, we'll shave Shizzy-chan's head!_**

**_Shizuo: I'll sooner wear a dress two sizes too small before I let you shave my head._**

**_Rit-chan: That can be arranged you know! ^^_**


	2. Sorry!

**_Sorry! I know you guys were expecting another chapter about the hilarity that is an OOC Shizuo Heiwajima. But I just wanted to touch on a topic that a reader brought to my attention. _**

**_"One thing I would like to say though, is that cancer isn't really something to joke about," They said._**

**_And I agree with them. Cancer, or any disease really, isn't funny. This story, however, was based completely on a video I saw where the main character, A.K.A, The Guy Who Could Sit Anywhere, sits on some toxic waste and is diagnosed with "ass cancer" shortly afterward._**

**_Quite frankly the video and story were meant for the open-minded and slightly morbid. And if enough people will it, I will delete this story._**

**_I truly and deeply am so sorry if this story offended or insulted anyone. It wasn't meant to do that. I just wanted to make a few people laugh._**

**_~The most genuine sincerities, apologies, and warmest regards,_**

**_ Ritt-chan._**

**_~xoxo~_**


End file.
